"new" figure (to me anyway) it's as virginal a discovery as the first time my sister urged me into the niceness of her pretty things when I was five. And oh how I cling to that original self-realization even today - the newness of it! It's a joy I know I'll have until I'm eighty. And the ever-fresh joy of it I know I'd lose if I moved permanently into my feminine self.

Drastic surgery, hormone treatment and silicone really terribly appealing at times would commit me to a forever-female self. I could never experience that CHANGE again that breathless newness. Even to throw out the masculine life entirely, without medical help, take a job as waitress or secretary in a new community would rule out the always super-fulfilling act of change. unless I "dressed up like a boy" from time to time, but that gets mind-boggling in its double-complexities.

...

I do envy former-fellows who flit daily around this world, now permanently women. Who can walk securely into a fitting-room in a boutique, who don't even hesitate anymore before the doors to a Powder Room and the adjoining Gunpowder Room (I always get in a quandry, no matter how I'm dressed!). And with their permanence of their chosen sex, they are more carefully groomed in detail than my prettiest best.

In fact I am intimidated by them feel like such a sloshy wench when I meet them socially. Though secs before I might have been the most ravishing tidbit to my mirror. I feel "in drag" the most draggy sort of way!

These girls have made that change, are accepted in their nicer sex anywhere and twenty-four hours a day and who's to argue their sweet wisdom. But for better causes they have committed themselves past my beloved and ever-virginal and ever-repeated change. I think my holding on to that change-miracle is my realistic (and sometimes hard) enchange for being that woman-forever I do so long (at times) to be.

A thousand (or more) newnesses first-times - remain with me. I'm forever thrilling over another "first". Just recently I got my first richly-rattling taffeta formal skirt, though I wore my first formal while in Junior High School, net in that case. Last